Ashley Wilda

Author

Month: July 2016

Not the One

Hello there… um, hi.  Is this Someone To Love Me?  Yes?  Whew, okay good.  Thought maybe I had the wrong number. Happens a lot these days.

I know you say you’re someone to love me,  but I don’t believe you, you see.  I’ve been looking for a very long time, or what feels like a very long time.  And I’ve found people, or thought I did, but they weren’t the right ones.  They said they were, but they just weren’t.  I can’t take that again.  So this has to be real, you know?

What’s that?  ‘Mm-hmm’?  Mm-hmm’s not gonna cut it, pal.  Try harder or get lost.

Just kidding, don’t get lost.  Well–not exactly.  Only get lost if you’re meant to get lost.  Wait, that doesn’t make any sense.  Whatever, just listen, okay?

I need someone who will love me all the time.  Someone who loves everything about me… and even the nasty stuff, they can take it, they can love me with it.  I need someone who knows everything about me, and I know everything about them.  I know exactly what they think of me.  They don’t keep secrets from me, or lie by omission, or hide things from me.  They don’t tell me they love me, and mean it somehow, and make me believe it, and then go do things with someone else who’s their real best friend.  They don’t keep secrets.  They don’t swap me out for someone else, and then keep me in a drawer like a pebble, take me out and look at me whenever they feel like it, tell me I have pretty colors, make me feel special for a moment, and then put me back in the dark again.  That’s not fair.  That’s just not flippin’ fair.  Don’t be that guy.

You would never do that, you say?  Really?  Prove it.  Put me first.  Be there for me when I need to talk.  Care about the stupid little things about my day.  Want to be with me every minute of every hour of every day, even when you’re not with me.  Can you do that?  I’ll do it for you.

Silence on the other end of the line.  Just fantastic.  You’re flunking pretty spectacularly.  I guess I thought you would, I just hoped you wouldn’t.

need someone, you see.  I’m feeling pretty desperate at the moment.  I’m missing something that makes me, me–and it’s another person.  Weird, I know.  I don’t really get it myself.  And I’m terribly afraid that person doesn’t actually exist, and I’ll just have to be this way forever.  Once I really love someone, I love them forever, no matter what.  So right now, I’m just left with a bunch of faded love, empty arms, and an aching heart.  I’ve cried out, ‘not fair,’ but there’s nobody to listen. There’s not many people that love like I do in this world.  I’m the oddball, I know.  But I can’t stop being this way.  Believe me, I’ve tried.  But love is all I know and all I believe in, and that is that.

Mumbling mumbling, cliche, mumbling.  I hear you.  That’s all you candidates do these days, is mumble.  My love life is starting to feel like this year’s national election–pointless.

What?  Yeah, you’re sorry.  I’m sick of sorry.  ‘You’re the one’?  Nah, you’re not the one.  I’ll know the one when I see them.  At least I think… even if they exist… or maybe I’m just not lovable in that way… or maybe I’m just too picky… or maybe, maybe–oh whatever.  Um, yeah.  So I’m just going to hang up now… yeah, bye.

*Click*

Sigh.

חוֹפֶשׁ: Free Me

It’s hard, the way I’m living sometimes.  Sometimes I just want to bust right out of my skin, feel like my head is going to explode.  I need to feel free.  My muscles and heart and skin and eyes and hands and small of my back need to be emancipated.  I’m aching to live life with a passion I feel consuming me from the inside, burning up in my eyes, with nowhere to go.  I want to love with a ferocity that I am not allowed.  I want to move and burst forth and navigate and overcome with aggressive strength and confidence that I do not possess.  I want to feel the sky flowing around me and the ground beneath my feet and the water pushing against my skin and the fire burning in my lungs.  I want to hear and smell and touch and taste and feel like I never have before in my life.  I have the capacity for it.  I have the burning hunger for all of these things.  I am desperate, I am feral, I am reared, pawing and the sky.  I have felt alive, again and again, more so and more so until I have been awakened to such an extent that I can no longer go back to sleep.  I cannot stop sucking these giant deep breaths and wanting more and more and more.  I cannot stop wanting to be free, after I’ve tasted it, a thimble of fatal nectar, alluringly dangerous and perfect.  So sweet, that I feel myself dying after I have tasted it, each moment its droplets are not on my lips burning me dry.   I am hungry and thirsty and barren all at once.  I want to find my home in the song of the earth and be swallowed up by it and those who love it, belonging, a part of something that is at once myself and not, better, more perfect, I am whole with it and with who.  I want to enter the Spirit song of the One who made it all, and not be afraid to feel, and feel rightly, and with a brightness that surpasses everything I can see.

I want to be חוֹפֶשׁ, and חוֹפֶשׁ me.

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