it has been the crappiest week of all
crappy weeks and I
am having trouble feeling
anything but heavy.
the coldness of a doctor’s scrutiny
the sharp words of a friend I relied on
the slipping away of someone changing too fast
the unexpected reprimand of a manager
and to top it all off
nothing can be worse than telling your mother
some days you’ve prayed to die
while the cool rain pours down
drowning the worms on the driveway.
but I’m here in my usual spot
leaning against a doorframe
bare feet on warped wood floor
singing to the King with a house full
of other broken, messy people
who call him Dad.
I open my palms and sing
I am not afraid, I am not afraid
I will sit on top of my cage and sing
let my voice be heard
all I have to do
all I have to do is sing.
I trust you, God, I say in my mind.
I trust you.
singing and crying. standing and
leaning. leaning and
sitting. silence. eyes
singing again. praying. pleading.
I decide to trust that He
no matter how dark it is.
because if He does, then that
and in a moment, He shows me
a life without you.
a life where, if I let Him
He will bring me someone to love
someone who will love me
and I will feel whole.
but He gives me a choice.
love is never wrong.
love is one of the few things we
get to decide.
and I. love. you.
I shake my head.
no, I say. I choose him. I love him.
God nods. okay then, He says to me.
He’s smiling, reaching out a hand
and for the first time in a forever long time
I take it.
Okay, I say. Let’s go.
and behind him is a whole, bright, beautiful
that He has
regardless of whether you’re in it.
I hope you will be.
I will always miss you.
but I’ve taken the hand of a God
who loves me
and my life is worth living
just because it’s mine
and He gave it to me.
and in that moment–I feel
something leave me.
l i g h t e r
I can lift my feet, and I do so
over and over again
because something that was gluing me
to the ground isn’t there anymore.
in my minds eye I feel
wings begin to sprout from my shoulderblades
and grow, and grow
until they are FULL, big, feathered, strong
and in my minds eye I move them
and they feel good
and I am smiling.
I. have. wings.
and I still have love too.
I didn’t have to leave you behind.
I never did.
the choice was never mine
and still is.
I feel like someone has just open
the door of my cage my dark
prison cell and I have finally chosen
to walk out.
I have this insane thought of what now
it doesn’t feel real
depression has been my full-time occupation
and now I’ve got to find another job.
I realize, like any survivor
some days I will feel like I am back in that cage
even though I am not.
freedom takes time to sink in
even with wings.
and if someday the dark takes me captive again
I’ve got a Love-Warrior-King to bust me out.
and in the very, very end, I can never stay there.
it’s not all unicorns pooping butterflies
not all rainbows and pots of gold
I’m still walking through a rainstorm wishing
you were here
and love will long forever
it’s in its nature, I suppose
but hey, with wings there’s still a lot
that a girl can do