I try to be brave
but I think of watching you
from my computer screen
walk across that stage
in your black gown
leaving me behind
and every part of me
is terrified
Author
I try to be brave
but I think of watching you
from my computer screen
walk across that stage
in your black gown
leaving me behind
and every part of me
is terrified
I find myself retreating more and more
burrowing under the covers
refusing the morning
hiding from the cold outside
and the darkness inside
I hold on to memories like starlight
try to remember
even when it seems impossible
even when all the signs say no
all goodbyes could become untrue
I tell myself from under the blankets
there’s a great Love out there
that has to be enough
our lives operate in such close
vicinity to one another
an intricate orchestration of avoidance
sometimes mere inches away
yet we never touch
some moments
are full of too much silence
to put into words
all I can do
is look
I dream that I forget your name
and in that moment I remember
it’s the most important possession
I own
I search for it in the hidden
recesses of my mind
chasing, frantic, after an essence trail
green and blue
ever disappearing
but I know it should be there
I know I have to find it
before I lose myself
for the memory of you is all
I own
when I awake, the word
now intact, returned
I have the most irrational urge
to write it on my wrist
ink and blood intertwined
so there’s no chance of ever
losing you again
even in my dreams
sometimes when the music
shakes my very bones
thrumming right through me
chest, collarbone
I can think about the future
just a glimmer
tape the picture of you and I
above the dashboard of a van
get a dog and hit the road
listen to all the tunes I can’t
sing along to at home
and the mountains and I
could be lonely together
a bird
a fox
an elephant
I wonder where they are
all lined up on your shelf
or buried in a box
the bird landed in your hands
the fox smuggled in your pack
the elephant mailed from a post office
somewhere along the road in Utah
two of wood
one of bone
three amateurishly fashioned
but all have this in common–
when I couldn’t use my words
I used my hands instead
some days I just need my world to shrink
to the size of my heart
my head
or under the blanket in my bed
some days I’m tired of working so hard
to be okay
to get things done
to focus on now
some days I want to be allowed to admit
all I want
is to look each other in the eyes again
and not feel hopeless