Ashley Wilda

Author

Month: December 2018 (page 2 of 2)

two, too, to?

a bridge half-built

you turned away

I’m still standing

toes over the edge

 

a bridge half-built

two hands reaching

two hands empty

too far away

too little courage

to make the leap

gauntlet

I wish I could hide behind a sword and shield

wish the fire of love could kindle in magic at my fingertips

I wish the line between dark and light was made more real

wish everything I fear could be battled to death

and everything I long for could be won

by the simple throwing down of the gauntlet

of my own precious life.

fight flight freeze

my instinct tells me

to fight

when the adrenaline kicks in

but with you I must

flee

if we are to survive

and the fight and the flight

cancel each other out

and I am left frozen

heartbeat wild

somewhere in between

wonder

I wonder what it would be like

if people knew me

as I was

without cynicism

self-depreciating humor

triggers like the bite of unwanted insects

the blanket of dark that suffocates me

with its constant closeness

I wonder what it would be like

to be me

unhindered

by me

there are moments I can feel

the memory tugging at me

when I’m reading about the love

of a girl and a boy

the quiet, swift, tender touches between them

or when I fall to pieces in my car in the night

but the girl I used to be is oh so

meek

unwilling to come out

for the pain of it

little do you know she holds herself captive

carried with you

trapped next to the warm beat

of your heart

jealous

when I feel so alone I wonder

perhaps it is because no one is feeling

the way I’m feeling about you

perhaps because I’m the only one

who loves you like this

and therefore can’t miss you

the way I am

but I’d rather be lonely

than jealous

if you came back, you’d need a bunker. but I’d build it.

she’s angry that I’m hurting

angry at years slipping by

says I deserve better

than pining after someone

who didn’t stay

only I know the truth

I left first

and you didn’t understand

how to follow

double-edged

to love

is the greatest gift

and burden

of all

and to live

the second

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