I don’t think anyone understands how fiercely I love.
I don’t think anyone understands how intense love grows inside of me, how quickly it blooms, how loudly it roars.
It bellows its presence and dares any challenger to remain standing.
I don’t think anyone can really, truly understand what love means to me.
Love means this: you protect your own at all costs.
Yes, I know the women are meant to be the “nurturers.” The men are the ones with all that testosterone, the big muscles, the aggressive instincts. They are the protectors… right?
Yes, I say. Yes they are. They are better suited to the task. But…
Some of us are born just a bit different than the others.
Yeah, I do feel the urge to nurture once in a blue moon. But to tell the truth… I enjoy a good tussle over a pedicure any day. I enjoy things that get my blood pumping. I enjoy things that challenge me physically and mentally. I enjoy wildness and rough-and-tumble-ness and things that test my limits, push me ’til I break. I like things that are rough and raw and real and challenging. I think differently.
When I love someone, my first thought, my first instinct, is to protect them.
And I make that my mission.
This means that when we’re walking from the car to the dorm at night, and I get a funny feeling, my mind goes into overdrive. I walk a little bigger, stand a little taller, throw my shoulders back a little more, walk with a slight swagger. Walk like I own the street. The whole city, even. A walk that says, don’t you dare mess with me. I think of what kick or punch I would throw first, what I would say, what would we do. I’m always aware of the people around us, the vibes I get off them, always scanning, always looking. I’m analyzing places, situations, one step ahead, expecting. Listening to my gut.
When I dream up stories and put the people in my world into them… the plot always turns out the same.
I fight for them. I protect them. I sacrifice for them. I prove myself to be strong enough.
No matter what.
No matter what that means.
No matter what sacrifices need to be made.
I. Push. Through.
Yes, I care about feelings. Yes, I love conversations that have depth and emotion and substance and are just plain real. We all do. Yes, I care about romantic relationships. Yes, I care about the everyday ins and outs of caring for the emotional and spiritual well-being of those around me. I am human. And yes, I am a girl, after all.
But my first, primal, gut instinct that will not be denied–
My mission, my calling–
Is to protect you.
And this is why, oh this why, when something goes wrong and I find out and my gut just clenches and my breathing quickens until I find out it’s all okay and then I surprise myself and cry just a bit–
The first thought that goes through my head is why didn’t I protect you. why was I not there to protect you. why didn’t I see this coming.
And every single time that has happened… it hasn’t been a physical thing that I can prevent.
It’s been a sickness. A sad thing that’s affected you. An injury. Someone’s scared you. Broken your heart.
And outside I’m normal but inside the anger sparks and flares and shoots into the dark dark sky and I’m all big and bursting and aggressive inside and ready to lash out at whoever hurt you, make him pay…
But sometimes there’s no one to blame. And sometimes there’s nothing I can do. And sometimes I have to take a deep breath and realize that I can’t protect everyone I love from the world.
But I can try.
And I can be there.
And if, heaven forbid, it actually happens some day, actually happens that I have to put my life on the line for you–
I won’t even blink. Won’t even think. All this purposeful, cyclical, pointless thought will turn into action.
I will become so ferocious you won’t even recognize me.
A she-panther fighting for her cubs.
I will fight tooth and nail. I will take a bullet for you.
I’ll simply explode.
And you will know exactly how big and ferocious and burning and unquenchable my love is for you.
And so when I watch that movie, and hear the girl crying, and I start and my heart twists a little bit because for a second it sounds just like you… I’ll smile ruefully to myself.
But the truth is… I wouldn’t change a thing.
And if it all crashes and burns someday…
Love is a wondrously dangerous thing.