Hello there… um, hi.  Is this Someone To Love Me?  Yes?  Whew, okay good.  Thought maybe I had the wrong number. Happens a lot these days.

I know you say you’re someone to love me,  but I don’t believe you, you see.  I’ve been looking for a very long time, or what feels like a very long time.  And I’ve found people, or thought I did, but they weren’t the right ones.  They said they were, but they just weren’t.  I can’t take that again.  So this has to be real, you know?

What’s that?  ‘Mm-hmm’?  Mm-hmm’s not gonna cut it, pal.  Try harder or get lost.

Just kidding, don’t get lost.  Well–not exactly.  Only get lost if you’re meant to get lost.  Wait, that doesn’t make any sense.  Whatever, just listen, okay?

I need someone who will love me all the time.  Someone who loves everything about me… and even the nasty stuff, they can take it, they can love me with it.  I need someone who knows everything about me, and I know everything about them.  I know exactly what they think of me.  They don’t keep secrets from me, or lie by omission, or hide things from me.  They don’t tell me they love me, and mean it somehow, and make me believe it, and then go do things with someone else who’s their real best friend.  They don’t keep secrets.  They don’t swap me out for someone else, and then keep me in a drawer like a pebble, take me out and look at me whenever they feel like it, tell me I have pretty colors, make me feel special for a moment, and then put me back in the dark again.  That’s not fair.  That’s just not flippin’ fair.  Don’t be that guy.

You would never do that, you say?  Really?  Prove it.  Put me first.  Be there for me when I need to talk.  Care about the stupid little things about my day.  Want to be with me every minute of every hour of every day, even when you’re not with me.  Can you do that?  I’ll do it for you.

Silence on the other end of the line.  Just fantastic.  You’re flunking pretty spectacularly.  I guess I thought you would, I just hoped you wouldn’t.

need someone, you see.  I’m feeling pretty desperate at the moment.  I’m missing something that makes me, me–and it’s another person.  Weird, I know.  I don’t really get it myself.  And I’m terribly afraid that person doesn’t actually exist, and I’ll just have to be this way forever.  Once I really love someone, I love them forever, no matter what.  So right now, I’m just left with a bunch of faded love, empty arms, and an aching heart.  I’ve cried out, ‘not fair,’ but there’s nobody to listen. There’s not many people that love like I do in this world.  I’m the oddball, I know.  But I can’t stop being this way.  Believe me, I’ve tried.  But love is all I know and all I believe in, and that is that.

Mumbling mumbling, cliche, mumbling.  I hear you.  That’s all you candidates do these days, is mumble.  My love life is starting to feel like this year’s national election–pointless.

What?  Yeah, you’re sorry.  I’m sick of sorry.  ‘You’re the one’?  Nah, you’re not the one.  I’ll know the one when I see them.  At least I think… even if they exist… or maybe I’m just not lovable in that way… or maybe I’m just too picky… or maybe, maybe–oh whatever.  Um, yeah.  So I’m just going to hang up now… yeah, bye.