okay, you know what?
because when you’re going crazy
splintering into a million fragments
disintegrating on the inside
sometimes a frantic shout into the void
is better than making no noise at all
if just because it makes the pressure
bearing down on my shoulders
lessen by a millimeter.
should I be ‘better’ by now?
am I idiotic and selfish and unrealistic?
can I change the way I am? the way I feel?
heck no. not right now.
if the past few months have taught me
it is that.
I can turn memories over and over
in my hands like pearls
or shove them in a box
and push that box into a dark corner of my mind
and nail the lid on tight
but the outcome is not much different–
I’ve tried both.
it’s still hard to breathe.
I still wake up and feel an empty wasteland
in my chest.
the lights still. won’t. come. back. on.
both waking and sleeping
still lead me straight back
into your arms.
I wish I could tell you that I need you
that I’m not okay
wish I could say, please please please
oh please try
look, fight, pray
but I keep my mouth shut
and tell myself that maybe
you already know.
and how can I say
that even after all this time
the lights that went out the night I left you
simply have not come on again?
how can I say
that I pray every day
that you’d be the one to bring them back?
how can I find the words
or the moment
especially when you’re standing right there
when I’ve missed you for so long.
I’m even scared you won’t understand
the intensity of these feelings
that just won’t let me be
that you’ll think I’m weird or weak
especially when you’re so good
at controlling your own
when mine control me.
tonight it takes
everything, everything I have
not to get in the car
just as I am
and drive to you
and wait until you open the door
and just say, ‘hold me.’
this canyon between us
all that yawning air
but I know I can’t bridge the gap
because only you
only a change inside you
can ever do that.
and yet sometimes, I am so angry
raging, not at you, no, how could I
ever be truly angry with you
but no, at me–
sometimes I hate myself
for my own inability to do anything.
for my own helplessness to see inside your head
and know for certain
if there’s any hope at all.
because if you ever make the choice
to try to reach for faith
there is hope.
if you’re ever trying
I want to know
even if you’re scared of hurting me.
maybe that’s selfish
but I do, I want to know.
but something happens that still
makes me smile–
even in my saddest, most desperate moments
what I want most is your safety in Christ.
what I want most is for you to have a life full of joy.
what I want most is for you to be fully you
like you were meant to be.
even if that’s not now.
even if that never means me.
you are the most important thing to me.
and that is what I pray for every day
now a reflex learned of living days without you
and yes, I admit, worrying
but knowing there’s a God that cares about you
even more than I do.
and that God cares the same way about me
somehow, even with all this messy hurt inside me
when I don’t understand myself
when the hurricane of pain inside immobilizes me
He loves me still.
and sometimes, that’s all
that gets me up in the morning
but it is enough.
but even with His promise, His strength
my heart still wants yours
and aches with all the things I want to say
all the things I want to do
the dreams spun under sun and star
and every full moon that makes me think of you
every dandelion explosion
and every quiet music strain
that talks of love
for it is written
“love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things
love never ends”
and this is the way