i miss you.
i think that’s the simplest way
to explain what in the world
is going on with me.
i can ask myself questions
until up and down aren’t
what they were
and i can block my memories,
high walls around my mind
keeping out all but
bland, empty present,
or drown in the deep blue heaviness,
but without you
i come up with no
new answers
and no new memories
except two words said in passing,
and flashes of sightings
from across a crowded floor.
when i see you,
even from a distance,
i get all shaky inside
and my heart doesn’t obey me.
yet when you leave i somehow
feel empty,
as if steeling myself at this yawning distance
is better than
not ever sensing this odd connection,
even if i don’t know
if you feel it anymore
and if you do
if you’re willing to do anything about it.
but really, it’s quite simple–
i miss you.
so i move through my life,
noting when it intersects with yours
even if only for a few precious seconds,
and pulling myself through
quiet blanketed moments of missing,
of reading books and sipping yerba mate
curled in the overhang of a dark
quiet gym as the lock in kids
giggle in a corner,
through moments of trying not to focus
on the ache in my chest
trying not to look at the picture
of the two of us on that mountain
and caving by looking at it anyway.
i sleep and i wake and it all feels the same
and you probably
don’t understand.
but for some reason, this is me.
and for some reason, i can’t stop loving you,
and for some reason, i have this ridiculous hope
that you’ll feel the same.
this ridiculous dream
that you’ll fight until you believe.
this ridiculous prayer
that you’ll keep trying till you reach me.
but what were we ever
but wonderfully ridiculous
anyway.