Do you ever wish there were
stress-o-meters for every person so that
when the level jumped into the yellow edging
toward red it would start
beeping so that everyone would know to just
back off?
Do you ever wish there were
better things to say than the flat, stupid
words ‘I’m okay’ which call for extra, evasive
explanation when pressed which cause
your bald friend in front of you to say ‘I’m
worried about you’ and you just force
a laugh, a playful
punch to his shoulder and say, ‘How
are you feeling?’ because he has
leukemia and what right have you to
feel depressed?
Do you ever wish there were
better solutions when you wake up and
just feel nothing but know that nothing really means
something means this awful ocean of
everything deep pressed down inside you
and you just
sit and stare at the woods of your backyard and feel
empty and pointless and realize that
you can feel like you don’t exist even when
you’re breathing thinking walking and that
sometimes feels the worst of all?
Do you ever wish there were
reasons you could reach out to the person
you love rather than freeze when that song
plays in the coffee shop and you get up and walk
out into the cold or make some silly
excuse to go to the bathroom once twice because you just
can’t handle the sound wave memories
of him and his closeness and everything
you used to have?
Do you ever wish there were
days you could go to sleep again after
waking up because you went to church and then
crawled back and bed although
it’s not socially acceptable to go back to bed after
having emerged and trying
to explain to your mother that it’s like
there’s this ocean of sadness and pain inside
your chest and soul and you’re just trying
to keep the lid on but when you open it just
a crack for release the whole darn thing tries
to escape?
Do you ever wish there were
lists of all the ‘rules’ that make your life just
a tad easier like
don’t listen to acoustic music
don’t remember anything at all
don’t talk about work or school
don’t ever say you’re not okay
don’t step foot on campus
don’t get too close
which are all so obvious and easy to remember but
there are always others, hidden IEDs that
blow up in your face because you didn’t
even know they were a rule and now
you’re crying and wishing
you could go back a few seconds or minutes or hours to
avoid them?
Do you ever wish there were
things that made you feel like you
used to feel without the anticipatory
fear of that momentary light being
snatched away
things better than the
awful crushing sensation of driving
back onto campus for the first time in
six months even though you knew you
knew it was a rule but you needed to
break it anyway and
the fake smile waving your friend goodbye at
drop off and driving
away to the river after and striding in
determined even though its
February and feeling the
shock when the icy cold closes
over your head and emerging to
look at the silvery blue-gray world and remembering how
this used to inspire laughter and alive but
those days are gone and
the people are just echoes in your heart and at least
now it still makes you feel
awake like
your eyes work again?
Do you ever wish there were
roadmaps to guide you to the correct journey, the one
that tells you what to say what to do
what you should have said should have done
what you shouldn’t have said shouldn’t have done
what is needed and what is true
that leads you back to the person
you love?