inevitable

The guy comes to the counter and after

asking for coffee

and complementing my skin

he asks me out.

Somehow I am not fazed by this Maybe

even a little flattered although

he is entirely too old for me and

even if he was young and attractive there’s

no way I’d say yes and maybe

it’s because I’ve turned down handfuls

of guys in my sleep so why would being

awake be any different?

(Just last week I turned down the creepy

guy with the gauges at the gas station refused to

shake his hand He’s lucky he didn’t get a

kick between the legs for his trouble I’d spent the

afternoon crying missing you and

anyway guys should know better than to be creeps)

When I give a little laugh and hesitate searching for the

right half truth he guesses I have a

boyfriend and I say I’m

involved with someone and yes it’s not the

whole truth but it’s not a

lie either When you

think of someone every day and never

Want to love any other you can’t say you’re

not involved can you? It’s the

biggest reason to turn him down although him being

thirty-three is a close second even though it is

nice to be noticed especially because half the time I don’t even

notice myself until my heartbeat goes

haywire just to remind myself that I’m still

here

He takes his coffee but comes back asking

how late he is and I say it’s complicated and he asks

how and I think Heck whatever he’s a complete

stranger and say Atheist and Christian and he’s like

you deserve better and I want to say how

do you know what I deserve? Want to say

you don’t know him But instead say

that’s what my mother says

And he lists Christian credentials like they’re

badges he’s earned Raised in the faith Go to this

church Sing in the

choir And I want to say

I don’t care about these nothings You can do

all of these things and not believe You can do

none of these things and still believe The fact you

think this is so important simply means

arrogance to me

He quotes the verse There is nothing new under the sun

He says that it’s inevitable that nothing will change that hasn’t

already changed I hate that word five syllables only

used when people think

there’s no hope They have no idea what a beautiful burden

hope actually is They have no idea how

much more lonely they make this

path I have chosen for myself that every

breath is a choice

At least when he leaves he doesn’t ask

for my number

And I’m left cleaning out the espresso machine feeling like maybe I’m

radiating lonely not just my summer tan and I

wouldn’t be surprised

Just because I can’t

feel anything doesn’t mean that no one

else can hear the distress signal shrieking from my

bones except maybe you

It wasn’t meant for anyone else anyway

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