I sat in the chair in the middle of the room

excited and afraid as others

laid hands on me

nearly two months ago in my memory

but it feels like yesterday.

the words spoken through them

lifted me up and made every

molecule in my body take up

war with its neighbor.

I feel like there are two people inside you

fighting to take over, said one.

you might be one, or the other

or neither, or both

but they are fighting.

another said, I feel like there is something

you must lay down, let go, and letting go of it

will be excruciating

but there is strength on the other side.

they were right.

 

I drove home in the dark

my insides battling it out

my mind trying to push away the need

to understand what my heart had known

instantly

to be true.

I have to finish the battle.

I have to lay it down.

but what?

I’d asked God, and it isn’t

loving you–

thank goodness, I never wanted it to be.

but still, it remained, something

and that something was killing me.

 

it ran me over like a freight train careening

off track

I had to let go of the belief that I cannot

have a future if you’re not in it.

that I would never be

happy again.

that my life would have no

worth.

I could hold on to loving you

I would always miss you

always have a piece missing

but I had to stop choking myself

to death.

 

I screamed.

I drove down the highway

and screamed.

because it was excrutiating

thinking about living without you

thinking about being happy without you

thinking about loving you my whole life

and maybe still finding value in that life.

but I screamed out the war

I screamed out the untruth

and when all the noise was gone

through tears I could see

love remained

and it wasn’t as heavy as before.

 

laughter and night wind

a rush of emotions blowing through me

remembering what hope feels like

tumbling out into the grass

lying on my back

mind reeling, reeling

seeing the stars again

feeling incomprehensible and yet

like some things could still

make sense

 

like being locked in a cold, dark room

alone, days

on end

forgetting there’s anything

outside of it

and someone whispers–

hold on

light is coming.