I sat in the chair in the middle of the room
excited and afraid as others
laid hands on me
nearly two months ago in my memory
but it feels like yesterday.
the words spoken through them
lifted me up and made every
molecule in my body take up
war with its neighbor.
I feel like there are two people inside you
fighting to take over, said one.
you might be one, or the other
or neither, or both
but they are fighting.
another said, I feel like there is something
you must lay down, let go, and letting go of it
will be excruciating
but there is strength on the other side.
they were right.
I drove home in the dark
my insides battling it out
my mind trying to push away the need
to understand what my heart had known
to be true.
I have to finish the battle.
I have to lay it down.
I’d asked God, and it isn’t
thank goodness, I never wanted it to be.
but still, it remained, something
and that something was killing me.
it ran me over like a freight train careening
I had to let go of the belief that I cannot
have a future if you’re not in it.
that I would never be
that my life would have no
I could hold on to loving you
I would always miss you
always have a piece missing
but I had to stop choking myself
I drove down the highway
because it was excrutiating
thinking about living without you
thinking about being happy without you
thinking about loving you my whole life
and maybe still finding value in that life.
but I screamed out the war
I screamed out the untruth
and when all the noise was gone
through tears I could see
and it wasn’t as heavy as before.
laughter and night wind
a rush of emotions blowing through me
remembering what hope feels like
tumbling out into the grass
lying on my back
mind reeling, reeling
seeing the stars again
feeling incomprehensible and yet
like some things could still
like being locked in a cold, dark room
forgetting there’s anything
outside of it
and someone whispers–
light is coming.