just a tiny, tiny pill

blue, pale blue

a crease splitting it

down the middle.

I tell myself it’s not a

big deal

as tiny of a deal as this

ghost weight on my palm.

half my face in the mirror

one eye looking back at me

split in two

trying to reconcile

two truths

both as much me

as me can be.

I tell myself a tiny pill won’t

change who I am

change what I believe

change whom I love

I’m just too stubborn.

but in order to

have a life

you’ve got to want

things to fill it

you’ve got to want to want

you’ve got to have the energy

to go after them.

I’ve started wanting to want

I can’t stop now.

swallow.

pale blue nothing

slipping down my throat

like it’s not even there.

and I tell myself

I can always go back

undo this moment

pretend there was never any

blue, pale blue nothing

in my palm

and figure out some other way

to want.