just a tiny, tiny pill
blue, pale blue
a crease splitting it
down the middle.
I tell myself it’s not a
big deal
as tiny of a deal as this
ghost weight on my palm.
half my face in the mirror
one eye looking back at me
split in two
trying to reconcile
two truths
both as much me
as me can be.
I tell myself a tiny pill won’t
change who I am
change what I believe
change whom I love
I’m just too stubborn.
but in order to
have a life
you’ve got to want
things to fill it
you’ve got to want to want
you’ve got to have the energy
to go after them.
I’ve started wanting to want
I can’t stop now.
swallow.
pale blue nothing
slipping down my throat
like it’s not even there.
and I tell myself
I can always go back
undo this moment
pretend there was never any
blue, pale blue nothing
in my palm
and figure out some other way
to want.