once, I asked you what you were afraid of, when it came to believing.
you said you weren’t afraid. at least, that wasn’t the problem.
in the moment, i couldn’t understand how that could be true.
now, i wish you could come back and tell me how you did it.
lately, i seem to be anything but unafraid. sometimes depression is easier
to explain than anxiety, sadness easier to describe than an often nameless fear
that just follows me everywhere. it’s so hard knowing my mind is spiraling
out of control and not being able to do anything but just watch it happen.
today was a day of too many spirals, for no reason at all. nothing happened.
no reason at all to be scared. but i couldn’t slow the spinning of my thoughts and my body
followed and soon enough i was babbling about all the things that scare me and the words
sounded more and more irrational as they spooled out of my mouth but i couldn’t
stop them. wound up and crying. trying to explain to confused people why everything
scares me. from family to friendships to failing my dog to losing all my jobs to being trapped
in a life i don’t want to theology to my future to disappointing people to always being alone to
what if i’ve been wrong about everything always and just didn’t know it.
i know it’s anxiety. i know it’s pain. and fear. and love. and a scary, too-big world
without enough you in it. i know it’s because
i feel lost.
but knowing doesn’t fix anything.
i’m trying to be more unafraid. to feel all my feelings but to work with the fear until I am largely
unafraid. i know i can’t get rid of it entirely. i know that fear comes with love comes with
living. but i can’t make decisions afraid. i won’t ever trust them, and they’ll probably
be wrong. the best ones are made out of truth, faith, hope, and love… but fear gives all that a run for it’s money.
but i’m going to keep trying to outrun it, even when it keeps pace with me, and sometimes overtakes me.
because in the end, i’ll win. in that small way, i already know how my story ends.
i just wish i knew more than that.
the day i told you i was scared was one of the most vulnerable moments of my life, although you didn’t know it.
i don’t like to reveal fear. i don’t think anyone does.
but since that day, i’ve had to do it a lot, sometimes involuntarily. i’ve gotten good at hiding it. but fear doesn’t hide
very well for very long.
but when i told you, you made me feel so much safer. i knew you were scared too. knew by the way you held me tighter
than anyone ever had. but because we were scared together…
i don’t have words for how much better that was.
how much better
that would be.