Author: Ashley

henceforth

him

is now you

and you

is now him.

I will no longer

center my life

around someone

who does not want me.

I know I said

I’d never move on

and believed it.

I could have held to that

I still believe it was

my right

if I wanted it.

Can you blame me

for wanting to be sure?

I called it an experiment

letting him in

but in reality I never would

have let him close

if he wasn’t special

if there wasn’t a chance

I could love him back

the way I think he loves me.

So here we are.

I’ve said the words

to someone else

and I mean them.

I miss you. But I gave

you ten million chances

and you didn’t hold on

to one.

I told him there was only

half a chance

I could ever love him back.

And he took it.

And he held on.

So, so gently

but he wasn’t going anywhere

not unless I wanted him to.

And I love him for all that he is

Just like I loved you for all that you are

and our universe just never came.

And I’m coming to realize–

that it was never

my fault.

When you love someone

you fight

you don’t

let go.

If you’re loved back

they will fight for you

an equal force, raging together

against the dark, urging one another

onward and higher.

The truth is you only fought

halfway

and then stopped altogether.

And I–

I deserve better

than that.

I said yes.

I said yes to something new

despite the fear

despite the love for you

beating in my chest

I said yes.

And here’s the weird part–

I’m not sorry

I did.

I need

to know

if I’m just

another

memory

to you.

I don’t know

what I’m doing.

I love you

I love you SO

MUCH

I don’t love you any less

I still want a chance

but I’m tired of being alone.

And there’s

this person

and he’s kind

and I think

he’d stick around

and that’s more than you did.

and I’m scared to say

I want something

that I actually do want.

But also

more than that

I want you.

and that’s where it all

goes wrong.

I was so certain I’d find the same answers

yet didn’t want to.

so I looked and looked

and questioned and cried

and ached and slept

and waited and prayed

and talked and thought.

And I came to the conclusion

that I was both right and wrong.

There may not be a rule

against being with an unbeliever.

There is an incredible burden

a disconnection

we could never shake.

But I always knew that.

And I’ve always been willing

to bear it.

For you, I would have done

anything.

The struggle for answers was messy

and tangled and bloody and I communicated

all wrong and untimely but I–

I tried.

And I had to reach out

and tell you–

I’d changed my mind.

I’m trying

to put the present first

put away more things

in more boxes

to join the ones in the closet

stop the thoughts of you

at the first half second

tell myself over and over

you don’t love me anymore

pray quickly and then

let it go.

But when the moon rises

orange and full

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you.

there are nights like this

when all my answers

don’t mean anything

and it all just hurts.

i know you don’t feel the same

i know it doesn’t matter anymore

i know.

but i miss you

and i’d do anything

anything

to have you back.

but that’s just me.

and one person out of two

isn’t enough.

i’ve been telling myself

that i’ll get used to being alone

that i’ll always miss you but

it’ll be fine.

but tonight–

tonight i’m just not okay with that

and it feels insane to think

i’ll ever be.

but it doesn’t matter how i feel

because you–

you’re already okay.

i’ve been carrying you around

like some kind of talisman

memories to keep me warm

and now–now i feel like

i don’t even

have that.

i bury them deep

deeper than they already were

and it’s supposed to make me feel better

but it just makes me  feel cold.

how can i think about a lifetime alone

when i can’t even handle

tonight?

Yesterday, I drove to northern Virginia, looking for answers.

Correction, I’ve been looking for answers. For days. Weeks. Ever since I started to wonder if  really had to make that decision I made three years ago. Was I influenced by my family? my friends? the culture I grew up in? I took a deep dive. Hence, “rant I will probably regret.” Let’s just say, day one was rough.

I sat across from my friend. I hadn’t seen her in years, but she was there for me anyway. What did surprise me… is that she remembered you. And how hard I fell for you that semester. She remembered everything. She didn’t look at me like I was crazy when I spilled all my doubts and fears and hurt and love all over that Starbucks table. I needed that.

Here’s the thing… I know it’s ridiculous to be thinking about this now. I know… I know I’ve lost my chance. It’s too late. I’m too late. Maybe that’s why I’ve been filled with so much regret. I don’t blame you. But that doesn’t make it hurt less. Still… I’ve needed to answer this question for myself. Could I have made a different choice?

She doesn’t tell me what to believe. Doesn’t tell me I’m crazy, or weird, or whatever. Doesn’t tell me she knows all the answers. But by the time I’m getting back in my car to drive home… I have my answer.

And it’s not what I wanted.

I wanted to be wrong. Just like I’ve always wanted to be wrong. But I don’t get to control truth. And the truth is we are like two puzzle pieces that almost match. Almost. But that almost… it will always prevent a perfect fit. And I may be willing to take that on–I might not care–but God does. And he says it’s not right.

Oddly enough though… he’s okay with me loving you. He loves you so much more than I do himself. That’s not the problem. The problem is that there’s no true commitment without him involved. No true unity or love that is going to last. And if I want my life to mirror what he wants for me… that’s not going to be it.

I hate that.

But at the end of the day… I know again that I made the only choice I could make. Do I wish it ended up differently? Yeah.

Of course I do.

You always told me not to wait for you. And here’s the thing–I don’t believe there’s only one person in the world for each of us. People are more complex than that. I believe there are other people out there for me, just like there is for you. And it’s not like I haven’t met some of those people. Heck, I had to tell a dear friend just a few days ago that I could never be with him. And that’s the second guy in the last year. I’ve met kind and attractive people who really care about me and who’d want to try a relationship… and as nice it would be to be cared about, I’m just not interested. Here’s the thing… I’m not “holding out” for you, or “playing the long game,” or whatever. I know that this is probably it for us. I know that me wanting something can’t make it happen. I get that. I know that you’re over it. Nothing I do can change that. I’m not rejecting people because I’m waiting for you. I honestly don’t want anyone else. I’m just not interested. They’re not you. I just can’t bring myself to care that much. I know that doesn’t make much sense to most people, and that’s fine–I get it, I’m weird. But I am what I am.

I know no one is perfect. I know every person has pros and cons, you included. I’m under no illusions. But at the end of the day, love is both a feeling and a choice. And feelings rise and fall. It’s the choice that matters. And every day, my heart chooses you. With all the mess. And emptiness. And knowing that this is probably it for us. Maybe one day, I’ll wake up and not want to make that choice anymore. And that would be fine.

But I think…. I think I know myself pretty darn well.

And I know better than that.

I didn’t realize

I had anything left

to lose.

 

 

I did.