I am a paper doll girl
good at shutting up
and folding down
disappearing
into herself
I’d rather be a
paper plane girl
with wings that lift
but only you can fold me
into a shape that flies
present tense
it’s hard to live in the present
when my love is present tense
and all the memories are past.
I’ve been sitting on the curb
on the street where we last parted
watching the cars zip by
waiting for you to come along
and take my hand again.
it’s been raining and I’m cold
and wet and I realize that if
I stay out here I won’t survive
yet moving feels like a betrayal.
but lights glisten on the puddles
in the asphalt and I want things
I want you and I just plain want,
so I get up and go about making
my life up from nothing.
first comes school and then work
the typing alone in my room
and serving coffee to strangers
who don’t see past my half-smile,
second comes climbing walls and
trips up a mountain and
the new thrill of lips to a microphone
my own voice coming back at me
through the speakers and money
jangling in the tip jar,
third comes writing all the memories
I never thought I could put to the page
along with dreams I’m scared
will never happen but here I am
writing them down anyway.
perhaps fourth comes an apartment
in a place a bit farther away
a place where I get up in the morning
stretch my toes in the sunlight
and ask the sky how you are
for it sees you more than I these days,
perhaps it is pulling on clothes and
brewing a pot of earl gray
sitting down at the little table
steam curling, kettle warm
setting out two mugs, just in case
just in case you walk through that door
that I just can’t stop watching.
two, too, to?
a bridge half-built
you turned away
I’m still standing
toes over the edge
a bridge half-built
two hands reaching
two hands empty
too far away
too little courage
to make the leap
gauntlet
I wish I could hide behind a sword and shield
wish the fire of love could kindle in magic at my fingertips
I wish the line between dark and light was made more real
wish everything I fear could be battled to death
and everything I long for could be won
by the simple throwing down of the gauntlet
of my own precious life.
fight flight freeze
my instinct tells me
to fight
when the adrenaline kicks in
but with you I must
flee
if we are to survive
and the fight and the flight
cancel each other out
and I am left frozen
heartbeat wild
somewhere in between
wonder
I wonder what it would be like
if people knew me
as I was
without cynicism
self-depreciating humor
triggers like the bite of unwanted insects
the blanket of dark that suffocates me
with its constant closeness
I wonder what it would be like
to be me
unhindered
by me
there are moments I can feel
the memory tugging at me
when I’m reading about the love
of a girl and a boy
the quiet, swift, tender touches between them
or when I fall to pieces in my car in the night
but the girl I used to be is oh so
meek
unwilling to come out
for the pain of it
little do you know she holds herself captive
carried with you
trapped next to the warm beat
of your heart
jealous
when I feel so alone I wonder
perhaps it is because no one is feeling
the way I’m feeling about you
perhaps because I’m the only one
who loves you like this
and therefore can’t miss you
the way I am
but I’d rather be lonely
than jealous
if you came back, you’d need a bunker. but I’d build it.
she’s angry that I’m hurting
angry at years slipping by
says I deserve better
than pining after someone
who didn’t stay
only I know the truth
I left first
and you didn’t understand
how to follow
double-edged
to love
is the greatest gift
and burden
of all
and to live
the second
grad
I try to be brave
but I think of watching you
from my computer screen
walk across that stage
in your black gown
leaving me behind
and every part of me
is terrified