you’re a fighter, my mother says
so where did your fight go?
I bought a punching bag off Facebook
from a guy in Fredericksburg who doesn’t care enough to spell
because I thought it might help
release
all the emotions inside me that never get out
I can’t very well tell her
I can only seem to fight for you
when you won’t even fight for yourself
or for me
or for us
she’ll just look at me like that again
and then I’ll really want to punch something
I like the feeling of fist hitting plasticy fabric
the satisfying smack, the opposing
force, I used to love doing this back when
I had dreams to fight for
stories of other lives keeping me up
at night with their excitement and danger
you stopped fighting for me walked away and I
kept facing off with the devil or whatever
opponent kept you in the dark kept us
apart but now I’m just
pawing at the air
can’t seem to stop
one, two, one two three
jab, cross, jab cross hook
heartbeat climbing up my throat
throat small with breath
breath trying to run away with me, as usual–
don’t know why I can’t seem to fight for myself
I met you and myself didn’t seem to matter
anymore I couldn’t think of myself
singularily and yet when my
whole being aches for you I can’t
stop thinking about myself but only
in relation to you what I used to fight for
doesn’t seem to matter can’t
bring myself to care
about me without you
now I’m just trying to punch down
the wall between
me and myself
or am I?
I’m scared of what’s behind it
what’s behind the one after that
and the one after that
so maybe I’m just playing
shadowboxing
after all
he’s not fighting for you, she says
over and over, so many ways
why can’t you just stop
fighting for someone who doesn’t
show up for you
why don’t you start
fighting for your future
something you can control
something you can win
I don’t tell her that as a child I always
imagined falling in love during some sort of war
couldn’t understand how I’d know I loved someone
if we couldn’t risk it all for each other
now the concept of survival for its own sake
baffles me
how could anyone want to live so badly
they’d fight through anything simply to breathe
what about me is so worth fighting for
that I’d be content living this life alone?
I’ve always told you I think
we can win
that I know we can
if we give it everything
together
I know you always wanted to believe me
while always fearing I was wrong
if you want to join me
I’ll be fighting anyway
you can find me facing off with the dark