The guy comes to the counter and after
asking for coffee
and complementing my skin
he asks me out.
Somehow I am not fazed by this Maybe
even a little flattered although
he is entirely too old for me and
even if he was young and attractive there’s
no way I’d say yes and maybe
it’s because I’ve turned down handfuls
of guys in my sleep so why would being
awake be any different?
(Just last week I turned down the creepy
guy with the gauges at the gas station refused to
shake his hand He’s lucky he didn’t get a
kick between the legs for his trouble I’d spent the
afternoon crying missing you and
anyway guys should know better than to be creeps)
When I give a little laugh and hesitate searching for the
right half truth he guesses I have a
boyfriend and I say I’m
involved with someone and yes it’s not the
whole truth but it’s not a
lie either When you
think of someone every day and never
Want to love any other you can’t say you’re
not involved can you? It’s the
biggest reason to turn him down although him being
thirty-three is a close second even though it is
nice to be noticed especially because half the time I don’t even
notice myself until my heartbeat goes
haywire just to remind myself that I’m still
here
He takes his coffee but comes back asking
how late he is and I say it’s complicated and he asks
how and I think Heck whatever he’s a complete
stranger and say Atheist and Christian and he’s like
you deserve better and I want to say how
do you know what I deserve? Want to say
you don’t know him But instead say
that’s what my mother says
And he lists Christian credentials like they’re
badges he’s earned Raised in the faith Go to this
church Sing in the
choir And I want to say
I don’t care about these nothings You can do
all of these things and not believe You can do
none of these things and still believe The fact you
think this is so important simply means
arrogance to me
He quotes the verse There is nothing new under the sun
He says that it’s inevitable that nothing will change that hasn’t
already changed I hate that word five syllables only
used when people think
there’s no hope They have no idea what a beautiful burden
hope actually is They have no idea how
much more lonely they make this
path I have chosen for myself that every
breath is a choice
At least when he leaves he doesn’t ask
for my number
And I’m left cleaning out the espresso machine feeling like maybe I’m
radiating lonely not just my summer tan and I
wouldn’t be surprised
Just because I can’t
feel anything doesn’t mean that no one
else can hear the distress signal shrieking from my
bones except maybe you
It wasn’t meant for anyone else anyway