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I wonder what it would be like

if people knew me

as I was

without cynicism

self-depreciating humor

triggers like the bite of unwanted insects

the blanket of dark that suffocates me

with its constant closeness

I wonder what it would be like

to be me

unhindered

by me

there are moments I can feel

the memory tugging at me

when I’m reading about the love

of a girl and a boy

the quiet, swift, tender touches between them

or when I fall to pieces in my car in the night

but the girl I used to be is oh so

meek

unwilling to come out

for the pain of it

little do you know she holds herself captive

carried with you

trapped next to the warm beat

of your heart

when I feel so alone I wonder

perhaps it is because no one is feeling

the way I’m feeling about you

perhaps because I’m the only one

who loves you like this

and therefore can’t miss you

the way I am

but I’d rather be lonely

than jealous

she’s angry that I’m hurting

angry at years slipping by

says I deserve better

than pining after someone

who didn’t stay

only I know the truth

I left first

and you didn’t understand

how to follow

to love

is the greatest gift

and burden

of all

and to live

the second

I try to be brave

but I think of watching you

from my computer screen

walk across that stage

in your black gown

leaving me behind

and every part of me

is terrified

I find myself retreating more and more

burrowing under the covers

refusing the morning

hiding from the cold outside

and the darkness inside

I hold on to memories like starlight

try to remember

even when it seems impossible

even when all the signs say no

all goodbyes could become untrue

I tell myself from under the blankets

there’s a great Love out there

that has to be enough

our lives operate in such close

vicinity to one another

an intricate orchestration of avoidance

sometimes mere inches away

yet we never touch

 

some moments

are full of too much silence

to put into words

all I can do

is look

I dream that I forget your name

and in that moment I remember

it’s the most important possession

I own

I search for it in the hidden

recesses of my mind

chasing, frantic, after an essence trail

green and blue

ever disappearing

but I know it should be there

I know I have to find it

before I lose myself

for the memory of you is all

I own

when I awake, the word

now intact, returned

I have the most irrational urge

to write it on my wrist

ink and blood intertwined

so there’s no chance of ever

losing you again

even in my dreams

sometimes when the music

shakes my very bones

thrumming right through me

chest, collarbone

I can think about the future

just a glimmer

tape the picture of you and I

above the dashboard of a van

get a dog and hit the road

listen to all the tunes I can’t

sing along to at home

and the mountains and I

could be lonely together

a bird

a fox

an elephant

I wonder where they are

all lined up on your shelf

or buried in a box

the bird landed in your hands

the fox smuggled in your pack

the elephant mailed from a post office

somewhere along the road in Utah

two of wood

one of bone

three amateurishly fashioned

but all have this in common–

when I couldn’t use my words

I used my hands instead