whenever I left you after talking into the night
I balanced the curb of the sidewalk on bare feet
arms out
toes pointed
suspended between my side of the street and yours.
it paralleled the way my life felt like a tightrope walk
one one side my faith
and on the other side, you
and I tottered in between, wanting so badly
to fall straight into your arms
and help you believe too.
even after silence began its reign
I still have been walking that cold, rough line
on one side loving you
on the other side living my life
and hating every step
made harder by wondering
do you still love me?
does God still love me?
do I still love myself?
just a little girl in the dark wanting to be held.
now I’m wondering if I remember
that God loves you as much as He loves me
intimately
and will be faithful to love you
and give you every opportunity
every day
to see him as close and real
and undeniable
then perhaps I can stop being so scared.
perhaps I can just remember that you cared
and might still.
perhaps I can believe that God
loves me wholly.
loves the way I love.
lets me choose to love.
never forces but asks.
and is proud of me.
somehow, impossibly
proud of me.
maybe I’ll come to hate myself less.
hate life less.
maybe I can walk this line without
skinning my knees and stumbling blind.
maybe one day this line will be obliterated forever
you’ll take my hand again
take the risk of a yes
and I won’t have to choose.
