I didn’t realize
I had anything left
to lose.
I did.
The shock did not surprise me
neither did the pain
but what did was the smile
that would not stop.
how can I not feel happiness
looking at the boy
I love so d*mn much?
promise.
a lot of emotions in me.
not enough right words.
so this is all I have tonight.
hard day.
you were here, then you weren’t
and no one told me.
what would I have done, anyway?
nothing. not my place.
ran to the river. the irony.
listened to ‘go easy’ by m.m. on repeat.
watched the pup’s ears bob.
I don’t regret even a second
of loving you.
just really tired.
I want to talk to you.
don’t care about what.
I’d be happy to just
listen.
if the phone rang
I’d answer.
no strings attached.
promise.
three years and counting
three years,
and I still feel lonely when spring
stretches green in the winds
when the buds start to reach
for the warming sky.
three years,
and I still dream about you
and still wake up wanting
and wishing.
three years, and you’d think
I’d be over it–
at least, that’s what
everyone else says.
no wonder I keep myself,
well, to myself.
three years, and some things
are better, and some things
never change.
I still feel like I made
the only decision.
I still hate myself for it.
I never meant to cause
such silence.
three years, and I still believe
we would be better
together
than any version
of apart.
three years, and I am thankful
for the days that remind me
there is still light on the mountaintops
there is a warm dog to snuggle me
when the night is too dark
but I’m still keenly aware
each moment would be better
with you in it.
three years, and I still believe
the question is never
would you find faith–
no, that’s a promise, to whoever
doesn’t give up. a promise
that still stands. the question
was always, would you
keep looking.
I don’t blame you for not
believing me, even as
I wish you would.
three years and I want
you to know– I tried to stop
believing
just like you tried to believe.
I couldn’t.
you can’t unknow the truth
can’t unsee the sun
just like I
can’t unlove
you.