Month: February 2020

The shock did not surprise me

neither did the pain

but what did was the smile

that would not stop.

how can I not feel happiness

looking at the boy

I love so d*mn much?


a lot of emotions in me.

not enough right words.

so this is all I have tonight.

hard day.

you were here, then you weren’t

and no one told me.

what would I have done, anyway?

nothing. not my place.

ran to the river. the irony.

listened to ‘go easy’ by m.m. on repeat.

watched the pup’s ears bob.

I don’t regret even a second

of loving you.

just really tired.

I want to talk to you.

don’t care about what.

I’d be happy to just


if the phone rang

I’d answer.

no strings attached.


three years and counting

three years,

and I still feel lonely when spring

stretches green in the winds

when the buds start to reach

for the warming sky.

three years,

and I still dream about you

and still wake up wanting

and wishing.

three years, and you’d think

I’d be over it–

at least, that’s what

everyone else says.

no wonder I keep myself,

well, to myself.

three years, and some things

are better, and some things

never change.

I still feel like I made

the only decision.

I still hate myself for it.

I never meant to cause

such silence.

three years, and I still believe

we would be better


than any version

of apart.

three years, and I am thankful

for the days that remind me

there is still light on the mountaintops

there is a warm dog to snuggle me

when the night is too dark

but I’m still keenly aware

each moment would be better

with you in it.

three years, and I still believe

the question is never

would you find faith–

no, that’s a promise, to whoever

doesn’t give up. a promise

that still stands. the question

was always, would you

keep looking.

I don’t blame you for not

believing me, even as

I wish you would.

three years and I want

you to know– I tried to stop


just like you tried to believe.

I couldn’t.

you can’t unknow the truth

can’t unsee the sun

just like I

can’t unlove


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