Category: Uncategorized

I wish I could wear a sign that says

‘not available

it’s complicated’

and everyone would just accept

my hope

and not tell me to just

‘move on already,

here’s my number’

I’m used to seeing you everywhere

that you’re not

so it’s weird seeing you here

in real life

avoiding my gaze

and not knowing whether it’s less painful

to stay and look

or leave

 

and so I compromise–

you walk in the door

I look once

I leave

 

if you ever want me to stay

all you have to do

is look back

I dreamed last night

of your hands in my hair

we risked one touch

an object handed off

from one to the other

and we broke open

the wall came down

and we let our wanting

breathe

the world just feels

a little more lonely

a shade colder

when two people

who love each other

stop speaking

I wish I could forget who I am

and slip body and soul

into the books whose pages

I caress with my fingertips

inked scribbles that carry me

through dark stretches of night

I wish I could keep the feeling

of being loved by you

and lose everything else

falling deep into a tornado

of whirlwind colors and laughing danger

living all the stories I once wished

were mine

the event starts at 10:30

and I’m ready to go to bed.

heck, I know  I’m like an old granny

but that’s my bedtime now– 10:30

9:30

not later than 11:30

and I’ll sleep as long as sleep lets me

10 hours, 12, 13

either that or I won’t sleep well at all

fitful nights and too early mornings.

you were always the early bird.

I was always the night owl.

I miss how we used to make

compromises for each other

you more than I.

I’m not the kid who could stay up

all night lying in the grass

looking up at the stars

talking to you.

if you were here, I could do it again.

on my own I only want to do

the living that happens in my dreams

where no one tells me things are

impossible.

but if you called me up tonight

asked me to come out on that green

I’d do it. no questions. no answers.

just the two of us

and the sky.

at work my favorite place

is in the back where I can

submerge my hands in the

warm dishwater and not

talk to anybody.

in the front the music that I

used to listen to reminds me of

brick walkways and dusky green

and you

and the essence of those moments

slips into my soul and I

ache.

this is just another moment

when I know I could never

stop loving you

even if I wanted to.

I keep telling myself

love in the absence of someone is not

depression

love in the absence of someone is not

anxiety

people keep telling me I can’t

love you and be happy

but I keep insisting that they’re wrong

all the while hiding in my room telling myself

I’m not waiting for you to rescue me

I feel like it’s possible to love you

while one day, in the future

not now, heaven knows

to be happy

it has to be

but I honestly don’t know how

when the missing echoes

echoes inside even when

I’m trying not to pay it any attention

and as hard as I try not to

ask myself the unanswerable question

I do–

how in the world does this feel

to you?

I call him up because I’m

worried about him. because I

want to know all about the craziness

that is the first two weeks of college

and make sure he’s still doing laundry.

turns out he’s pretty much fine

still standing on his own two feet

challenging the world to a fight

with a mischievous smile

as he always is.

turns out I’m the one who needs

to talk. turns out I’m the one who’s not

fine. turns out I’m the one lost

like I usually am.

he always tells me what he actually

thinks, not what I want to hear

and I’m grateful for it.

but tonight we’re not talking about

economics or music or climbing.

we’re talking about love.

we’re talking about my story.

we’re talking about the thing I never

talk about.

because this week it’s been eating me alive.

he’s an atheist. a nihilist. stubborn and

scientific to a fault. but also

compassionate. also my best friend.

a person I let in when my number one rule is

don’t let anyone in.

he says that I’m not holding on to you.

I’m holding on to air.

he says I’m worshiping the past

not anything in the present.

he says I’m destroying myself

every day

denying myself happiness

denying myself a future.

he says he doesn’t believe in soulmates

(neither do I) but says that if

anything changes for you, and if

you’re right for me,

you’ll come for me.

that if I really believe in a God

and in a plan

then I have to believe that if I

let go of you

you’ll still come back to me

if it’s right.

he says that I chose my faith

but in the end I haven’t chosen anything

if I’m still holding on to you

not trusting my faith at all

letting it wither and die inside me

chewing me up from the inside.

he says he doesn’t care if I believe

I deserve love. he says I can come up

to New York, and fight him if I want.

but he says I do. he says I have

so much compassion inside me. so much

love that he hates to see pooling inside

festering, never to be given away.

never to be loved in return. he says he thinks

I want that. to be loved.

I do.

I say–letting go feels like a betrayal.

I say–I didn’t have a choice.

I say–I don’t want to love anyone else.

I say–I’d rather be alone.

I say–I’m afraid to open myself up again.

I say–dying would be easier than this.

they’re all true.

he’s not saying I need someone. he’s not

saying that I have to be with someone.

he’s saying I deserve to be.

he’s saying he wants me to be happy.

I do too. I do. I do. I do.

I don’t know what to do.

all I know is that I can’t imagine not

loving you forever.

all I know is that I’m afraid

you’ll never love me enough to try.

all I know is that I’m afraid

that it’s over for you

when it’s not for me.

I know I want to be happy.

but I still want it to be with you.

he tells me to be selfish. to choose myself.

I don’t know if I can.

I’m terrified of boys

perfectly innocent boys

guys like the one who says

let’s play music together

and I’m terrified he means

more than that

’cause I know all I can say

to the question of more

is no