I call him up because I’m
worried about him. because I
want to know all about the craziness
that is the first two weeks of college
and make sure he’s still doing laundry.
turns out he’s pretty much fine
still standing on his own two feet
challenging the world to a fight
with a mischievous smile
as he always is.
turns out I’m the one who needs
to talk. turns out I’m the one who’s not
fine. turns out I’m the one lost
like I usually am.
he always tells me what he actually
thinks, not what I want to hear
and I’m grateful for it.
but tonight we’re not talking about
economics or music or climbing.
we’re talking about love.
we’re talking about my story.
we’re talking about the thing I never
talk about.
because this week it’s been eating me alive.
he’s an atheist. a nihilist. stubborn and
scientific to a fault. but also
compassionate. also my best friend.
a person I let in when my number one rule is
don’t let anyone in.
he says that I’m not holding on to you.
I’m holding on to air.
he says I’m worshiping the past
not anything in the present.
he says I’m destroying myself
every day
denying myself happiness
denying myself a future.
he says he doesn’t believe in soulmates
(neither do I) but says that if
anything changes for you, and if
you’re right for me,
you’ll come for me.
that if I really believe in a God
and in a plan
then I have to believe that if I
let go of you
you’ll still come back to me
if it’s right.
he says that I chose my faith
but in the end I haven’t chosen anything
if I’m still holding on to you
not trusting my faith at all
letting it wither and die inside me
chewing me up from the inside.
he says he doesn’t care if I believe
I deserve love. he says I can come up
to New York, and fight him if I want.
but he says I do. he says I have
so much compassion inside me. so much
love that he hates to see pooling inside
festering, never to be given away.
never to be loved in return. he says he thinks
I want that. to be loved.
I do.
I say–letting go feels like a betrayal.
I say–I didn’t have a choice.
I say–I don’t want to love anyone else.
I say–I’d rather be alone.
I say–I’m afraid to open myself up again.
I say–dying would be easier than this.
they’re all true.
he’s not saying I need someone. he’s not
saying that I have to be with someone.
he’s saying I deserve to be.
he’s saying he wants me to be happy.
I do too. I do. I do. I do.
I don’t know what to do.
all I know is that I can’t imagine not
loving you forever.
all I know is that I’m afraid
you’ll never love me enough to try.
all I know is that I’m afraid
that it’s over for you
when it’s not for me.
I know I want to be happy.
but I still want it to be with you.
he tells me to be selfish. to choose myself.
I don’t know if I can.