I wonder when it started
the need to feel strong.
I wonder when the way
I feel pulling myself up
walls and running through
the woods became equated
with holding everything in
not letting the pain show.
I wonder when weakness
became my body size and
whether or not I’d had
a panic attack that day
the pace of my breaths
the pudge of my stomach
how memories came
haunting, knocking at my door.
I wonder when I started
counting, adding up people’s
perceptions to find out where
I measured on the success
scale, or at least
the acceptable one.
I wonder when I stopped
being the girl who watched
the eagle fly and the
horses run and lost her breath
at the first sight
of the mountains
who loved the fact the world
entered her every pore
and there was nothing
she could do to stop it
who measured a good
day, a good life, by how
open and true she felt
to who she really was
a girl who embraced–
I wonder when she left.
4/21